Lovers And Friends???
Can a friendship between a man and a woman return to it's original form once one party has confessed their feelings of intimacy toward the other?
posted by C Double at 7:54 AM
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
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6 Comments:
So sorry people... I am about to use this blog as therapy. I have some recent experience with this.
Most recently I confessed to a friend that I had been harboring intimate feelings about this person for some time, but was too afraid to confess my feelings. Once the initial shock of the situation faded, he told me that he did not at all view me as a "girl" but as one of the "boys". So intimacy is something that he could not provide me with.
So now rejected and feeling the pangs of emotional insecurity, I attempted to be a good friend and revert back to a friendship, which to be honest is not at all what it used to be. Now that he is aware of my feelings he strays from conversations that were at one time everyday banter. (i.e. Anything sexual explicit or his dealings with other women) I understand that he probably worries that continued conversation of these topics might be perceived as leading me on, but this were our relationship before why can't we go back?
It would seem as though in this situation once you put it out there it is either all or nothing. In my case it is nothing, and all I can do is accept what it is that is happening. In the end I have lost a good friend and suffered emotional turmoil all for the sake of honesty. So now the question becomes should you be honest with your friends at the expense of your friendship or is living in a world of shrouded intentions a better overall fit.
I have to say I will never make this mistake again.
Well I am obliged to say that I do not agree that if you confess intimate feelings to a good friend that you are not able to go back to being just friends. I think just expressing intimate feelings can be risqué but not as nearly serious as pursuing these intimate feelings.
I once journeyed to a far off place in PA to express my feelings to someone I have known an extremely long time. Although we decided not to pursue anything beyond our friendship not only are we still friends but in some ways we are closer than we were prior to discussing how we both felt. We each had the opportunity to convey how we really felt concerning one another on an intimate level. In my case the experience was liberating and I will never have to wonder “what if” because I now know how we feel.
I think there are many variables that determine the outcome of these types of situations. The first is each person’s experience with friends of the opposite sex. If you have very few friends that are the opposite sex then the idea of someone you consider being a close friend being attracted to you probably has never really crossed your mind. (I.e. if you mainly have male friends and only hang with your boys you would probably hope that they are not attracted to you.)
On the other hand if you are a guy that has primarily female friends (or vice versa) there is a good chance that not only have you had to deal someone having intimate feelings for you may have had intimate feelings for someone. In many cases you may have previously had relations with a friend or two.
Another major factor is how close are you really? A real friend may reject your advances but they would never allow your friendship to be altered in any way. We all have (I hope at least) those friendships that no matter what life presents to either of you this person is still incredibly important to you and you never let anything and I mean anything come between you. Nor kids, marriage, or any other distraction could change your friendship with your true friends.
In regards to Inquiring Minds reply that it was not a good experience I feel compelled to remind you that in the past a good friend of yours expressed his intimate feelings for you. Although you turned down his advances you would still be there for him and do anything for him. Not only that you are close to his mate so you were able to look pass that because you are a TRUE FRIEND.
I would have to say that it depends on the person. HOwever, from personal experience and the experiences of those close to me I have found that either expressing feelings for a close friend of acutally acting out these feelings will result in a change in the relationship. There is no going back. The both of you may say that you're friends again and that everything is normal. But both of you, or at least one of you, is lying. As much as you try to pretend things are back to normal they aren't.
Don't think that I'm saying you should never express these feelings. If you don't you'll spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?". So go for it....just realize that your relationship with this person will change forever.
Well lets see inquireing mind....speaking strictly from a personal standpoint, the relationship definately couldn't be the same. Since I'm straight, if a friend of the same sex showed feelings for me of course it would make things weird. If they were really my friend they'd know my preference and would respect that.
My very best friend and I were lovers. It was the greatest love affair of my life, it lasted 7 yrs, we have been best friends for 10 this August 05.
If you mutual respect for each other, you can share anything.
I echo 'anonymous' sentiments completely! If you share a sense of respect for each other, true friendship can never be broken.
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